I Didn’t See This Coming: The “M” Word
This was supposed to be a very exciting week. After three positive pregnancy tests during mid-January, I was going to my first official doctor’s visit on Wednesday. My husband had cleared his calendar. We were whispering words of excitement. Although it was very early and we didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves, we couldn’t help but start thinking {dreaming} about all the fun and happy things that were ahead. Like the room in our new house we close on this month that has been waiting for a new little person to fill it. Or what the fall would be like with a baby. Or how the timing was just perfect.
It was over as quickly as it started. One minute I was pregnant – thinking about when I’d start showing and how long I could keep running. And then I wasn’t. The “M” word: I had a miscarriage at six weeks. My trip to the doctor didn’t turn out to be the appointment I originally scheduled.
runladylike.com is a blog about running. It will never be a Website about fertility or pregnancy or parenting (you’re welcome). But this experience is part of my life journey … and even my running journey. I debated whether I should write about it or keep this experience tucked far away from the pages of the World Wide Web. But this is real life. And so, here we are.
At first, I didn’t have a lot of time to process it. It happened while I was in New York City last week during one of the biggest weeks of my career. I woke up in the middle of the night the day before an event I had been working on for 18 months when I knew something didn’t feel right. And it wasn’t. I kept smiling and working for two more days. All I wanted to do was curl up in my hotel bed, but it was probably a good distraction. After I finally got home and had some time to really think about it, the tears came. Then, I couldn’t really talk about it without getting misty-eyed. I told Mr. rUnladylike “I want our little baby back.”
I’m ok. I know it happens to nearly one in five women. My doctor said there wasn’t anything that could have been done differently to change this outcome. No amount of stress, no running I was doing was the cause. She said everything looked good and she believes a positive outcome is ahead for us. And hey, I got pregnant, so there’s that. I’ve completely sidelined my running goals to try to start a family. I haven’t trained for a marathon in a year and a half. I’ve turned down running my first Boston Marathon. I haven’t felt what it’s like to run a tempo run or really fast speed workout in as long as I can remember. Too long. It’s a choice I’ve made. Thankfully, running is always here for us at whatever speed or for whatever time we can give it. And for that, I’m grateful.
I know that so many of my friends – and you – have gone through similar experiences. One day soon, I’ll get to tell you that I’m running for two. I look forward to that day, and we can together look back at this and say that it was all part of the process. Continued forward motion.
Today, I’m headed to Arizona to spend the weekend in Sedona with my best pal Elizabeth who is running a half marathon in every state. We are running the Sedona Half Marathon on Saturday, and I’m excited to be part of her journey to race across the country. It’s sort of fitting that we’ll be together. It was on our runs in Atlanta twice a week for so many weeks that we would talk about everything and nothing. My extended journey of starting a family was discussed on run after run after run. Did you get your period yet? What did the doctor say? How is it going? Because that’s what running does. It deepens your life with people and friendships that are stronger than anything you could ever expect.
I was looking forward to telling her the good news when we landed in Arizona and then getting to run/walk the race easy with her as the “three” of us got to run in one of the most beautiful places in the country. Now, I won’t have a good excuse for not being able to keep up with her. Damn.
And … amidst what has felt to me like a very overwhelming past few weeks with non-stop travel, intense work commitments, getting ready to move into my new house that requires daily, hands-on design and having a miscarriage, I was reminded once again how life is all about perspective. Yesterday, a former colleague and influential person in my life had a surgery that is beyond my comprehension. She beat cancer in 1993, only to have to face it again this year. This time: oral cancer. Her jaw was completely removed today and the doctors replaced it with a prosthetic jaw she will have to wear the rest of her life. She has two young daughters. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her and the hardships life dishes out to so many people we know and love.
Life never gives us more than we can handle. Like my friend who will battle her cancer until it crumbles, I’m not going to just handle life’s curve balls, I’m going to knock them out of the park. Onward and upward. xo
Comments
Thinking of you Jes. Thank you for sharing, and I know this weekend will help you have some healing in your heart. XO
Hell yes to onward and upward! I think it’s great you shared this here because SO many women go though it. Although I’m so sorry it happened to you, I love the perspective you have and I think it’s great timing that you will be in AZ with someone who knows and loves you.
Know that I do too and I’ll be thinking of you!! xoxoxo
I’m so sorry to hear, Jess. I went through four in the process of having my two children, so I know exactly where you are. Keep the faith–it will all have a happy ending. But right now, I know how hard it is. Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry, I know this is devastating. Someone told me when we were going through this period that everyone who wants a baby gets a baby…and she’s right. I know there isn’t much anyone can say to help, but one thing that kind of helped me hang on during this period was believing that there was a reason for all of this and accepting that I might not ever know what the reason is (and I do think there was a reason that I identified now). I admire your strength and perspective. Have fun with Elizabeth this weekend 🙂 Thinking of you!
So sorry about your miscarriage. Been there. We did the infertility journey for 9 years before I had my oldest son through the miracle of IVF. I ran throughout the entire experience. But once I was pregnant, there was no running. I didn’t want to risk it. Plus I was tired.
All I can say is that life is not fair. Hang in there. Breathe.
I’m so sorry! I love your perspective on it and continuing to move forward. We all have an inner strength that we don’t realize until we (or someone we love) really needs our strength. Thinking of you and your friend battling cancer. Many positive thoughts to you both! Have an awesome weekend with Elizabeth, something fun to look forward to!
A miscarriage is def something that I never want to experience again. It is amazing how fast and strong that bond can become between mother and child. Mine was with my first pregnancy..also at approx. 6 weeks. Then before I knew it I was carrying my son and had an amazing full term pregnancy. It will happen Jes! Stay strong and stay positive!!! {hugs}
I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriage! Thank you for sharing your story! sending positive thoughts your way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for the past few years and appreciate you sharing this aspect of your life with us. Know of my prayers for you and your family!
My heart broke as soon as I saw the title of this post. I’m so sorry, Jesica. Thinking of you and wishing I could give you a big hug.
Thank you for your honesty and ability to share. While my husband and I have not yet tried to start our family, I am already aware of the “running” sacrifices I will have to make and as odd as it might seem, I take comfort knowing that I am not alone nor broken.
I truly admire your openness and conviction with all aspects of your life. Do not change nor second guess your choices. From a far, you have made yourself an amazing life. Keep enjoying it!
I am so sorry! I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks also and it was so incredibly sad and frustrating. We struggled with getting pregnant and when I finally got pregnant and then lost the baby, we were devastated. I feel your pain and hope that you can virtually feel my hug!
Have a great time in AZ with your friend and during the race! Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way.
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you are feeling better. Enjoy the race! Saying some prayers for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think this weekend will be exactly what you need. Best friends + running = happiness. I’ll be thinking of you and your husband. Good luck this weekend!
xoxo. i’m so sorry, my friend. but like you said, at least we know you CAN get pregnant. There is a plan, and it will all work out, I know it. Looking forward to a weekend of fun (and no pressure on race times and finishing together!!!!!).
I am so sorry for your loss Jessica. It must really hurt right now so take the time you need to grieve and heal. It is VERY courageous of you to share this in your post, and I hope it helps you heal and recover. I battled years and years with infertility to have my three kids (one through IUI and twins through IVF) and although it is not the same, I feel the pain you are going through when you want a baby now and gosh darn it, life throws you a curve ball. So do what you need to do and like everyone else in this post, know we are all sending good thoughts your way.
You are such a strong and inspirational lady! I completely agree with you about life and running. My running friends know me on such a deeper level beyond running. So this is totally related. I hope the best for you!
So sorry, Jesica. My journey to having my first child was long and difficult, and although I didn’t experience miscarriage, I can empathize. I, too, cut way back on running, didn’t race at all or run long distances. But there’s a light at the end of every tunnel, no matter how long and dark it seems. Thinking of you.
Hugs to you and Fran.
I am sorry to hear the news. Those kind of experiences are always so hard. I hope you can find some calm and peace despite these hard times.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who has been in your shoes, remember to be kind to yourself. A friend once told me that she hoped one day it would hurt less for me, and while I didn’t appreciate it in the moment, eventually it did. Sending you hugs.
Jesica, my heart aches for your loss. As a parent, I cannot imagine the pain and the hurt you and your husband must be feeling as I’m sure it’s still an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions. I want to Thank You for sharing your heartbreaking loss and for being so brave. Your positive perspective of life has been one of my primary motivating reasons to start running 6 weeks ago and I have been running regularly 3-4 times a week. I will be praying for you and for your family and I hope to be able to meet you in person some day and Thank You in person for changing my life. .
I’m very sorry for your loss. But you have such an awesome attitude! Everything will work out for you:).
Very sorry to hear. It’s one of those things. I am dealing the very same thing right now. I have at least two friends to whom it has happened in the past year. We just don’t talk about it So hugs to you. I actually found out through a dating ultrasound before anything physical ever happened. But now it is here and it’s hard. Especially hard when you usually turn to running and training to deal and it’s on the back burner … but it will all work out whichever way it will. You have a wonderful perspective and that will help you immensely.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Jes. Thinking of you.
Jesica, I’m so sorry to hear about the pain and disappointment you and your husband are going through now. But how amazing that you can write about it in such a clear-eyed way. It must be all the strength training! I know you’ll stay strong, as you always do, and this experience will enrich you. I was also stunned to read about your colleague, and through process of elimination I think I know who it might be. One more example of how none of us can take anything for granted – ever. Wishing you all the best. Thank you for sharing. -k
OMSOGH, I’m sending total encouragement and tons of love your way!! love you Jess!! & Mr. unrunladylike…April
Hi everyone. I just want to send a very sincere and heart-felt thank-you to all of you for your incredibly thoughtful and encouraging words. I’d also like to deeply thank all of you who shared your personal stories with me. It has been incredibly eye-opening to hear how many runladylike.com readers have been through similar and worse heartache. I’m grateful to each and every one of you. Thank you for being such amazing and supportive friends and readers. xoxo
xoxo, so sorry to hear girl. you have a beautiful perspective and are such a strong, wonderful woman. i’m here if you need an ear!
Dear Jesica, I am so sad reading this. I’ve been there, too. (years ago, but I never will forget) In my thoughts I’m holding your hand for a while, if you wish.
I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. My heart is breaking for you!! Life can be brutally hard sometimes. I really feel like running saved me after my first miscarriage and your blog and entries about mental training and mantras had a lot to do with it. I recently had another miscarriage and you are again making a big difference in being open and talking about this traumatic experience! Sending lots of good thoughts your way!
Oh Jes, I am so very sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing what must have been something very difficult to write about. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.
So sorry you went through this. I teared up reading this. I’ve had 2 and it’s awful. I highly recommend acupuncture to get pregnant as well as balance the hormones after miscarriage (Tampa Bay Accu on Virginia:). I have 3 children now and started at around your age. Wish you the best!!