My Mental Meltdown
What happens when you have the worst long run of your training cycle just 2 weeks before a big goal marathon? Apparently, the answer is a massive mental meltdown … because that’s exactly what I’ve been experiencing since Saturday.
Strengthening the mental aspect of my training is something I talk about often, and it’s what has been the game changer for me going from status quo to continued personal bests and faster performances during the past 16 months. It sounds so silly – believe in yourself and you will become a better runner. But it’s so true.
Now is not the time I want to be questioning my beliefs in myself or my abilities. But alas, here we are.
On Saturday, my friend Elizabeth and I set out to run a strong 18-mile run, which would be my last big run before the Chicago Marathon followed by a pretty significant 2-week taper. Our goal was to run the following paced workout in this order: 3 miles easy, 3 miles 10 seconds slower than marathon pace, 3 miles easy, 3 miles at marathon pace, 3 miles easy, 3 miles 10 seconds faster than marathon pace.
Even though I was excited about this workout, I think I set myself up for failure before I even woke up that morning. I know inside I was feeling some anxiety about it and questioning if I could really hit the paces. I made it through the first 9 miles as prescribed before hitting the proverbial wall.
At mile 12 I started crying.
At mile 13 I started walking about every half-mile to mile.
At mile 16 I called it quits and cried again. Then I thought about how unacceptable it was to be feeling this way because it is a gift to be able to run and I had just finished 16 miles. Where was my perspective?
I got home and cried some more.
I’ve been running for way too long to think one bad run defines me. It doesn’t. But you know how food poisoning hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere? One minute you’re fine, one minute you’re in really bad shape? That’s how this looming feeling of uncertainty (or maybe reality) has hit me in the past few days about my upcoming marathon.
After coming off a 60-mile training week with some of my strongest runs of the entire season, I think the fatigue has finally caught up with me and I desperately need my taper. As much as I like to say my goal is really just to finish and to feel good, I can’t just forget about “the number” I imagined 4 months ago when my Chicago-focused race training began. Since the first day of focused training for this race, I envisioned – and visualized – myself running a big time. I even told myself I think I could potentially break the big goal time. Now, I’m asking myself if I can even get remotely close to it.
When I step back and think about the “why” of all this stupidity, I don’t think I’m putting crazy pressure on myself – after all, no one cares how fast or slow I run in Chicago other than me. I think it’s just that I want it so bad and know what it feels like to cross the finish line and amaze yourself – to run stronger than you thought you would. I’ve been fortunate to feel that high 7 times in the past 12 months. I know that can’t continue forever or for every race, but damn, it has felt good. I want it one more time on October 12. In the one race that matters to me the most. I want to cross that finish line and amaze myself.
For the next 13 days, I’m going to do a lot of resting and getting fresh legs back. I have 2 sports massages and a chiropractic appointment, and I may choose to run only 3 days a week this week and next. I do really well after a lot of rest, so I’m hoping this will be a good recipe for a successful marathon morning.
I’m also looking for that spark of confidence and those mental reminders that will rebuild my spirit. I am on an emotional roller coaster after attending IRONMAN Chattanooga yesterday (will share more about that soon), and the desire for that finish line feeling was strengthened more than ever.
Perhaps all any of us experiencing a mental meltdown or moment of uncertainty needs to do is heed the words from a friend of mine who emailed me with this piece of wisdom today:
“Your boat goes where your eyes go. It’s the first thing every kayaker learns – if you’re running a rapid, your boat goes where your eyes go. So if you look at the rocks and obstacles in front of you, you will crash right into them. But if you keep your eyes on the open water, then you’ll shoot the river clean. Research shows the same thing is true in any performance situation. If you focus on the obstacles, or if you think that you’re going to fail, then you end up steering towards that failure. But if you think about your success and if you focus on the elements that will make you successful, then you steer right into a positive outcome. Just like a boat, your life goes where your eyes go. I know it’s true for you. Your body is ready for this. All you need to think about right now is to see the river, not the rocks.”
God, I love that. Take that mental meltdown. Thank goodness for smart, inspiring, amazing friends.
Windy City, let’s do this.
Have you ever had a mental meltdown right before a big race? How about a terrible run before a stellar race? How did you prevent self-doubt and negativity from creeping in?
Comments
I love that image of seeing the river not the rocks! It’s like that for performers too. I am getting ready for a big recital next weekend and I also have to focus on the river and trust my training/practice/rehearsal. As long as I have been doing this though it doesn’t ever become something you don’t have to think about. I think any time we attempt anything that is beyond the normal everyday we have that little voice that is a naysayer. We have to tune it out. Doing it over and over again means you get better at it but you still have to do it. There is a great book called “Choke” which talks about how to practice putting yourself in high stakes situations by doing it often in smaller ways. You develop the skills to avoids the Choke. So, one way of looking at your run from another perspective is practicing facing those mental demons and achieving success more often than not.
Thanks so much for your perspective Christina and sharing your thoughts. That book sounds really interesting. Good luck with your recital next weekend. I’ll be positive about my race if you are positive about your recital. Deal? 🙂
Deal!
And here’s that book
http://www.amazon.com/Choke-Secrets-Brain-Reveal-Getting/dp/1416596186/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412078626&sr=1-3&keywords=Choke
I have been a fan of your writing, drive, kindness, & personality for a long time now, and you’ve even helped me prepare for Ironman Augusta 70.3 last September via email. That being said- I have not raced since. Not even a 5k. It was the most disastrous race of my life that ruined (physically and emotionally) the endurance sports that I love. Two days ago, however, I signed up for a full marathon in February. I ran/walked 3 miles today struggling to hold a below 9:00/mi pace (I used to run a 5k in mid-high 6/low 7 min/mi avg, even in a sprint tri) and got caught in the pouring rain, but had a huge smile the whole time. Don’t let a training run sway you at all, you’re going to kill it in Chi Town, and even if you don’t, OH WELL! You are a huge inspiration to me and many others, and your blog is going to keep me going during my 4 months of Hell trying to get back into marathon shape. Sorry for the novel, but just relax, rest, know that you’re awesome, and light up Chicago! Thanks for all that you do 🙂
Amber, I am completely humbled by your incredibly kind words and comment. Thank you. I am so sad that Augusta was such a horrible experience for you, but I suppose some races are more about lessons in life. We learn the strangest things from them sometimes. I’m thrilled to hear you have found your racing mojo and are conquering the marathon! I can’t wait to hear about your training. You are so strong and you will do great. Thank you for truly making my night. xo
I had a complete mental breakdown after Saturday’s 20 miler. I’m also hoping to absolutely kill it in Detroit and my paces on my long runs have been so dangerously close to what I need for another 6-10 miles. I’ve been a runner long enough to know that one bad training run shouldn’t define my entire training cycle, too, but it’s so hard. I haven’t shared my huge goal with many people so most just think “what’s the big deal, you have a PR in the bag?!?” but I want so much more than that so they don’t get it when I’m frustrated and upset.
For what it’s worth, I think Chicago is going to treat you very well. Use taper to get your head back in the game. Relax. And enjoy my favorite town while you’re there.
It sounds like we are in the same boat, Bari. I am going to turn your advice back around on you and let you know that YOU are ready and YOU are going to kill it. We are the same in that I have only told some close friends about my real goal. I think a PR should be attainable, but the big goal is way scarier. It’s hard to get it to leave your head once it’s in there. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experience. Good luck with the rest of your training and I can’t wait to hear how your race goes. xo
That is an amazing, inspiring quote. I hope it helps give you the focus you need to clear your head and move forward.
I have meltdowns here and there. I imagine, as my mileage builds, I’ll have them more often. I very rarely share my goals, because that way, no one knows when I’ve failed but me. And, sadly, I fail a lot.
I hope your rest and massages and time to rejuvenate helps you get to where you need to be. Thinking of you.
Thank you so much, Jenn. You are so sweet. I don’t think you fail a lot. Getting out there and trying time after time is a victory. You are amazing too and don’t forget that. xoxoxo
The fatigue at the end of a marathon training schedule is no joke – it REALLY can mess with you. Try to shake it off – I know from personal experience that I have definitely steered myself toward the rocks in races, and I wish I had been able to give myself a good shake and refocus on the path I wanted to take, not the one I worried about.
Having had a not-so-stellar race this weekend (13.1) after hoping for a PR and being thwarted by my head and the heat, I have been realizing a new satisfaction in just getting out there. It may not have been my best, but I still did it. Like you said, what we can do is a blessing, so I am trying not to lessen that by reducing its value based on a number. Hang in there! Like others have said, you are helping and inspiring so many of us – no matter what number you hit. Good luck and have fun!!!
Thank you for your helpful words, Mary! I’m sorry you didn’t have the race you wanted last weekend, but it sounds like you came away with something even stronger from your refreshed perspective. I bet that will actually propel you to that PR. I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me. xoxo
Your run sounds like my Sunday long run. Down to the walking and crying. I still have weeks before my tapering begins, but I can agree that once you get past that slump, everything falls into place.
Oh, Brooke. I’m sorry you experienced the same feelings on Sunday. We will sweep this one behind us and move forward together! Good luck with your last weeks of training. I can’t wait to hear how your race goes for you. Here’s to the river and not the rocks! xo
I always love you honesty! I’m sorry you had a tough run but I’m glad you recognize that it it NOT a reflection of your fitness or future performance. I believe in you! I know Chicago is going to be great for you!
Thank you so much Nicole! xo
I think this is so, so normal! A ton of athletes have gone though this same thing, and have come out successful on the other side. I was running with a friend, who is training for her first marathon, on Sunday and she also had a horrible last long run where she ended up crying. You are not alone. I absolutely love that passage at the end of your post, and you should do what it says and stay focused. That horrible run can be used to your advantage and make you mentally stronger! Use your powers for GOOD 🙂
I will do that Allie. Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. It means a lot. xo
I have no good words but lots of virtual hugs! It’s been amazing to see how far you’ve come since HTC, and I thought you were a rad lady then. Success is not defined by a day but the journey and what a journey you’ve had. Be proud!
Also, if it makes you feel better, your training run describes a similar situation I had on Saturday. Except I was mid-race. Nothing like an ugly sob at the 10K mark of a half with dozens of people passing you.
Thank you Kim. I love that thought about the journey and it is so true, and you are right! I’m sorry you had that mental meltdown moment during your race this past weekend. Here’s to fewer meltdowns and faster miles ahead. xo
A good friend of my mine just set a PR in the Akron marathon. He is an older runner like me at 61. In his two week taper, Tom was running a ten miler at pace when his IT Band got so painful he had to stop at mile 8. Tom never had IT Band issues during five previous marathon training cycles. Like you, he got two massages before the marathon, and used the foam roller a lot. But this bad run had gotten into his head after a great 15 week training cycle. It was his only bad run, but he struggled mentally for ten days before the race questioning everything he did. As mentioned, Tom had a very happy ending. Interestingly, his mantra was similar to yours: “I am strong enough to nail this.” Based on all your excellent blogs and tips, I know you are “Stronger Than You Think.”
Thanks so much for sharing this story Mike. I love Tom’s mantra and I’m going to try to harness that these next 12 days instead of thinking about the bad run. I really appreciate you sharing this. Hope you are well!
Okay, this is gonna be tough for you to believe me, but this is the best time for this to happen Jesica. It makes you respect the marathon, and its training, and this will be fresh enough in your mind on race day that it will give you an extra level to dig to. You will be able to say, I made it through this, and I am NOT going to give up now after all I have been through. You will also be very ready by the day, and things will come back together. Stay tough, and believe in your body. Remember what I said “Take what your body gives you”. Thats all you can do. If marathon training would have all gone perfect and smooth sailing, you would go into the race thinking it was a piece of cake. Be thankful you had that reality check to make you know how tough it is….but you are tougher!
Thank you so much Tina. Seriously. I am so appreciative of your kind words, encouragement and experience during the last few weeks. I know you are right and I know this is true. I’m going to get back to remembering it these next few days. Heart you girl!
Except that I only made it 9.6 miles of my 18 miler this past weekend, I feel like this could have been me. What’s odder is one of my friends said we were on the same trail. I started thinking negatively around mile 6, and by mile 8 was crying full force. At mile 9, I hit an acorn, and my hip started bothering me. By 9.6 I was on a bench crying asking someone to come get me.
I like the “look at the river not the rocks” perspective. Good luck in Chicago.
Oh Allison, I’m so sorry you went through this too. It sounds like we were two peas in a pod last weekend and we were probably thinking negatively from the very beginning. That run doesn’t define your journey, just like mine doesn’t define me. Let’s remember that together, how about that? Good luck with your training. Keep me posted on everything! xo
Girl, you’re just keeping it real, and I appreciate that so much about you. I’ve had more than my share of these breakdowns these past 18 weeks, but it’s normal. We’re human, and we can do amazing things when we share, learn, and lift each other up.
See you in Chicago <3
Thank you Krissy. You are right on about lifting each other up. All of these supportive comments and messages are already getting me back on the excited/positive train. I can’t wait to see you in Chicago and give you a hug. Good luck with the final days of training. See you in the Windy City! xo
bad runs always come before GREAT runs!!!! GOOD LUCK! I love your blog! It is inspirational and has excellent tips/advice/strategies for runners!!
Thank you SO much Audrey. I love that thought about bad runs always before good ones. I’m going to hold you to that (LOL!). Thank you also for your very kind words about runladylike.com. I’m so glad to have you as a reader. Happy running! xo
I have definitely been there! Not every run can be great, especially the last super tough one after a high-mileage week and some of your strongest runs! There is a line in the “Wear Sunscreen” graduation speech/song that says, “Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.” I think about this with workouts, because we tend to focus on the ones that go poorly and not all the ones that go well. Focus on the good runs, you have so many and you are READY! Put this one day behind you, rest up, and you’ll crush it in Chicago.
Thank you for this very insightful advice, Teal. I appreciate it more than you know. xo
My last long run always goes terribly. Then my race is great. I’ve come to expect it now, bad training run, great race. Just try not to let it get into your head. You’ve done the work, you’ve got the miles in and ONE bad run won’t derail your training. Thanks for talking about this…no one likes talking about the bad stuff, so its always a relief knowing that it happens to all of us at some point. You’ll do great in Chicago!!
Thanks for sharing your experience Sarah. When we talk about it together it feels a lot better. xo
Yes! Last year when I was training for the Indianapolis Marathon I had to go run my first 20 miler by myself. Normally I train with a group but their training cycle didn’t match up with my work schedule so I had to do it alone for the first time. I was miserable. I remember at one point stopping and sitting on a curb to just cry. I had the same thoughts you did. I knew the end of training was so close and I couldn’t give up. The taper helped me a ton and I ended up having my best marathon yet! Keep up the great work, you got this!
Thanks for sharing your story Allie. This seems to be a common theme for many of us: really bad long run before the race followed by a great race. I appreciate your words of encouragement, and congrats on your great marathon!!!
I had a pretty aggressive goal (for me) of a two hour half marathon in mid-October, which would have meant shaving 9 minutes off my PR. I know I am capable of it, but the combination of a family emergency and the last semester of my MBA has rendered the last few weeks impossible. I don’t even want to talk about the positive split I had on my last long run. So I’ve committed to finishing my training plan to the best of my abilities and running on October 19th with a heart full of gratitude that I’m able to even consider running 13.1 miles in a row. But man, that feeling of making a PR is addictive…
Hi Sian. I love the approach you are now taking with your upcoming race. You are so right that we are just blessed to have the ability to do it, and I know your PR will come. Patience is probably the hardest thing about running. It all takes time and it takes so many things falling into place. Good luck with your last few weeks of training and please let me know how your race goes! xo
I’m so glad you put this out there! I also just published a down-on-myself depressing post-ironman post. It feels good to know I’m not alone. We have to appreciate the gift. Thanks!
lord, I swear all i’ve read lately is people feeling like we have been feeling…so it’s obviously normal 🙂 I know you will do great things in chicago. We’ve had fun training together and will continue to do so and marathons will always be there. Soak up the crowd, enjoy the taper. You got this. xo
Thank you my friend. And thanks for being so supportive on Saturday. You are the best, and you’ve got this too! xo
I have no doubt you will be fine come marathon morning. I think you nailed the reasoning behind this tough run perfectly, it was your toughest marathon training to date. Simply put, your body had reached its max and is ready for tapering. Just keep the good thoughts coming, you can do this.
Dude…..YOU GOT THIS!!! One run is not going to ruin you!! You have trained so hard for this. In the next 2 weeks really focus on the days/runs that have gone really well!!! Focus on mentally and visually preparing!!!
I had the worst training block for this past IM. I cried on many and multiple occasions. (I am not talking a few either) I had an epic race. It wasn’t a PR but I really executed it almost perfectly!
You have prepared and prepared for this race! Try not to put the pressure on yourself. Let your legs do the work and don’t “think” about it! Be positive and confident!!
Chicago is amazing…you already know that!! Have fun too!!
i really love your post, it encourage me to run and it inspires me to. thank you so much