Running Lost
I sat in the back seat of a yellow cab, headed from Union Station to my hotel in downtown Chicago. I gazed out the window as we drove down the same streets I ran during the Chicago Marathon just 2 months ago. I closed my eyes and smiled inside. That was a special day. I ran my eighth marathon faster than I ever thought was possible. I can distinctly recall telling someone just a year earlier that I could never run such a time and that I would have to age about 5 to 10 years before I qualified for the Boston Marathon. And then impossible became impossible, because that’s what running does to you. Hard work and dedication transform “I can’t” into “I just did.”
That inner smile quickly turned into a feeling of sadness. For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel lost.
Today marks the sixth day in a row I have not run or done a workout of any kind. Although I am extraordinarily busy and stretched thin at the moment, I could have found time to make it happen – I could have gotten up earlier or pulled myself away from everything else for an hour or even just 30 minutes. The truth is, I’m feeling lost without a race. Without a goal. Without purpose.
Why is it that races can sometimes give us so much more purpose than “just running” or running for fun and joy? After the Chicago Marathon, my husband and I agreed that we would start the journey of trying to have a child. While I can easily continue to run 20 to 30 miles a week, signing up for races when I don’t know what is going to happen just isn’t something I want to do. Likewise, racing is something I like to reserve for hard effort – training that includes tough speed workouts, challenging tempo runs and long runs. It’s not that I don’t love running for fun, because I do. But when I race, I want to go for it and know I have trained hard and given it everything I’ve got in my quest to get better for myself.
I know that there will be plenty of races waiting for me in 2016. I’ve been hearing from so many of you this week about your big running goals for the New Year … first time race experiences, personal bests, new challenges. I want to set one of those big goals too. I want to break 3:30 in the marathon next year. I know I can, but it will just have to wait. Until then, I will run for fun and figure out what my purpose – although different from the past few years – will be for 2015.
Tomorrow, I will run.
Have you ever felt lost during your running journey? Do you ever find yourself running to race?
Comments
Take comfort in knowing that so many women have been in your shoes. One of my running buddies found herself pregnant between achieving her BQ and actually racing Boston. I know it was a big change for her and there was a lot of uncertainty involved and it was tough. Her beautiful baby boy was born last month though and she is already excitedly planning her comeback. 🙂
I hope you figure everything out and it all works out just the way you want, good luck.
Best of luck with this next direction in your journey. There will definitely be changes along the way, but running is in your blood and your heart, and no matter what, it will be there for you. <3
Sounds like an exciting new journey! Haha I said that no one was allowed to ask me about having a second child until after NYC – now since that is finished, people are asking again 🙂
I’m fairly lost right now. I only have a fun race on NYE and nothing else scheduled. I’m not even sure what I will be racing in 2015. I haven’t run since last Thursday and that was just 2k at track. Today I workout out, but just had a long jump practice….not exactly something that fits into long distance running training. Although all my bad habits are being pointed out and worked on, which for me is what I want to focus on
Thanks for sharing where you are at Rebecca! Sounds like we’ve been in a similar place. I got back on the horse today with a run and barre class, and it feels so good to be back at it. So you and I are raceless 🙂 I’m sure we’ll find something to give our miles purpose in the New Year. Keep me posted! xoxo
Yes yes yes!! I had a very disappointing fall marathon and I’ve felt lingering disappointment ever since. It took me a month to want to run again and I’m still not sure what my next goal will be. I definitely am goal oriented and feel a little out of sorts without a training plan. But my friends often remind me there’s a season for everything…tough training plans, garmin-less running, and no running at all.
Hi Christine! Your friends are so right! I’m sorry that your fall marathon did not go as you had hoped. After a crummy marathon in 2012, I walked away from the marathon for a year and a half. I focused on other things like triathlon, until I was ready to return. When I was, I improved significantly. Sometimes we just have to be ready. I know we’ll both find our stride again. Thank you so much for sharing! xoxo
A few thoughts:
1) I think many of us feel that kind of letdown after the race/season is done. (even if we b*tched about “having to get in a run” we now really miss that schedule and focus).
2) Embracing flexibility will only help you as a runner and in your personal life, whatever it might hold. I was recently given this advice from a woman in her late 60’s :”Keep yourself active during the week and every now and then throw in an 18 mile run – that way you can sign up for any race you want to. Run the marathon to finish and quit worrying about the time.” While it’s hard not to shoot for a PR and just embrace the act of being out there no matter the result, I am trying to do that. Being open to whatever race might come up and you can do (even if you didn’t get your interval training in) gives you a really cool sense of freedom.
3) It’s OK to not run for a while. You may feel a lack of purpose but just give yourself the time. I think when our activities change from being just choices to part of our identity it is hard to let go of that habit, even for just a few days – and I would imagine that if you write a running blog the pressure/feeling would be even greater! Give yourself permission to take a break, focus on other important parts of your life, and then get back to it when you can. No worries.
…so those are my thoughts! (A little wine and a quiet house = book of advice to Jesica! 😉 ) Good luck!
Thank you so much for your advice and thoughtful comments Mary! I really appreciate it! With your second point, that is where my head is at. I’d like to maintain a half marathon base so that I could run any distance of 13.1 or under if/when I want. I will incorporate some strides and some faster stuff every now and then, but nothing formal. 25-30 miles a week would make me very happy, but I’m also going to start doing some more spinning and keep at it at Barre3 which I’m good with too. Thanks again for taking the time to share such a thoughtful reply.
I rarely don’t have a race on the schedule but I took 30 days off of running after NYC. I didn’t think I would miss it as much as I did. I have been running easy for the last 2 weeks getting back into it. I am sort of running for fun because my half marathon in January is just for fun. My tip is to leave your watch at home!! I can run way easier then when my watch is showing me paces!! 🙂 You will get back into it. Don’t worry about it!!
Good for you Leslie! I think it is great that you did that. You’ve been training so hard for so long and your body probably needed it 🙂 Good luck with the rebuild. And I couldn’t agree more with you about the watch. It can be liberating sometimes! Merry Christmas to you! xoxo
You will figure it out. If you’re not running right now, there’s a reason for it. It should be fun and not forced – goal or no. You obviously have other priorities now and your body is taking cues from your mind. It will all come together as it should. I have no doubt!
Oh Jesica, I hear you. I am going through a form of this right now, and it is tough. Although we are coming from opposite ends of this as I was too obsessed with a goal I need to let go of, and you achieved yours! However, I know how you feel, and I KNOW you will work out a way through this! Just go for a run today, and enjoy it 🙂
Thank you Tina! I had a good 7.5-mile fun run today followed by some Barre3 and I feel refreshed. I’m running in the morning tomorrow as well so I’m glad to be getting back on track, even if there is nothing to train for. xoxo
Everything has its purpose – we all need a mental and physical break sometimes, and we can’t give 110% to EVERYTHING 110% of the time, priorities shift all the time and that’s okay. Make the best of it and come back strong! PS good luck with your big non-running related goal, too! weee!!!
There is such truth in your words Ruthie! I try to give everything my all and sometimes something has to give. Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. xoxo
While I think breaks are great, don’t be afraid to commit to things a few months out while you are working on growing your family. I enjoyed my “races” during pregnancy and all the maternity miles. I think the only time my son didn’t kick me was when I was running! At the end of the day, you never know when pregnancy might happen!
Thank you for this advice Kristen and for sharing what worked for you. This is encouraging. I’m actually thinking about signing up for the races that some of the girls I’m coaching are doing and running with them or being there to run in with them. That would be special and would still give us all something to look forward to. xoxo
This hit very close to home as I, too, very recently had those feelings. I was supposed to have my “A” race at the end of this month where I was going to finally break into the 1:4X’s in a half. Here I am 11 weeks pregnant and not feeling like ‘running just to run.’ Just remember that getting pregnant and the whole duration of the pregnancy (shoot, even the first year after that baby is born) are a marathon of its own! You’re not alone in those feelings, and I have your journey into motherhood is smooth!
Thank you SO much Brianna for your kind words and perspective. I’m glad to hear where you are in your journey and that our feelings are ok to have sometimes. Maybe we can run a race together in 2016. LOL And I know you’ll reach your half marathon goal. xoxo
I have similar issues – unless I have a goal I’m working hard toward, I tend to lose focus and it becomes SO much harder to get myself out the door and push myself. You’re not alone. Now that I’m battling injuries, its even harder.
Good luck to you in your journey to become a mom – it’s a heck of a ride!
I’m sorry to hear your going through a rut right now especially since you’re putting your big running/fitness goals on temporary hold for now. Maybe try having some goals for shorter distances that would be easier while you try getting pregnant. Or enjoy the fitness benefits of that journey 😉
You’ll get your mojo back soon and your body will be thankful for the rest and ready for your next adventure.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement Maddison. I had several good runs during the last few days so I’m feeling back on track. xoxo
I am there. I have been battling soft tissue injuries since September (back to back half marathons) and I have just lost my fire. Supposed to be running a half tomorrow but that is not happening. Haven’t ran in two weeks. I will pull out of it but I think the goal of a race is actually holding me back – I just need to run for the love of running again. I don’t think I am going to sign up for anything this year and just run for me.
I think we all feel like this sometimes. I’ve had a race on the horizon at all times for 8 years, so after I ran NYC this year and didn’t have a race coming up after that, it was so easy to skip working out when there’s nothing that I’m building for. My husband and I are thinking we’ll start trying in a year or so and part of me is apprehensive about it because I don’t know how to not be training. Good luck in your journey, I’m looking forward to your perspectives on it!
Jesica, you can prepare for your biggest “race” ever: having a baby. You’ll need fitness, endurance, stamina and power. Your training plan will change for a while, but nevertheless, it is so important being a fit mom.
Eventually you’ll be ready for the changes in your life, and don’t forget, there are so many more years to come….!
I have equated running a marathon (or big race) to having a wedding. There is so much planning up and to the event, and then after, it’s like, “What should I be doing?” I’m in that mode right now, although it is because I’m waiting on this injury to heal (Jan 10, but who’s counting down the days?).
You’ll figure out your next step, sooner or later.
That is a great analogy Allison. I hope your injury heals quickly so you can get out on the road. Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. xoxo
This is how I feel exactly right now. Motivation-less without a running goal to work towards. About the only thing keeping me going right now is the Runners World run streak. I think I might try to run a 5K for fun in January, but I really am longing for May and the baby and then the comeback:)
Thanks for sharing your perspective and what’s going on with you Sarah. I don’t want you to feel that way, but sometimes it is good to know we aren’t all alone 🙂 I’m excited for the arrival of Baby Boy Canney #2! You will be ready to take on big running goals for the fall. Based on where I am in my journey right now, pretty much all big running goals are out for 2015, but I’ve been thinking about some things I want to accomplish that I’ll share soon. Hoping that will give me a new purpose. Hang in there mama. xoxo
Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts here, Jesica! I think it’s important to recognize those feelings of let-down when we are done with a big goal. Sometimes it feels like the party is over, (and now we have a huge sink of dishes to do… or maybe that’s just me). 😉
I know that we touched on this briefly at the party, but I’ve been thinking about it more: while it is so important to celebrate the successes that we have in our careers and running lives, there are lots of successes that we will encounter that are more quiet, and maybe not even celebrated at all by anyone else. Those may be the most important ones (or at least they have been for me), and they are certainly not “small”, though the transition to appreciating them can be really hard.
So, I’m excited for you and for this next year. I’d love to go for a run and celebrate each and every small success with you!
Thank you SO SO much for your thoughtful insights and kind words Katie! I’m excited about another new journey but also anxious to keep seeing where my running will take me 🙂 I’m really pumped about running together in the new year! Let’s find some weekends in January and February that you, Elizabeth and me can run! Can’t wait! Merry Christmas! xoxo
After I ran my first half marathon I didn’t know what to do with myself bc I was so used to having a training schedule. I ran periodically, but I didn’t feel the same drive to keep at it. I realized that I am one of those people who needs a goal to be super committed, so I plan to run the Chicago Half Marathon Series next year and rock it!