Where I am
It is easy to encourage runners who are struggling or give coaching advice to those who aren’t yet where they want to be. Be patient, I say. Don’t compare yourself to where you once were or where others are. Don’t judge yourself so harshly. Focus only on where you are today and on what you need to do to get to where you want to go, I tell them.
It is another thing entirely to accept that same advice for myself.
When running is “your thing” and you don’t feel very worthy as a runner, the struggle sets in. I was lamenting to my husband last week about how I was feeling: It’s like I’m not really a runner anymore. I ran 15 total miles last week and only 8 miles the week before. My weekend “long” run is only 6 miles. I feel like a fraud.
He, of course, debated me immediately: Of course you’re still a strong runner. But you’ve been doing so many other things. You’ve been cycling and doing yoga and going to barre class. All of that stuff is really great.
Here’s an example of last week’s training:
- Monday: Ran 4 miles + 75 mins of restorative yoga
- Tuesday: 1 hour spin class
- Wednesday: Ran 5.2 miles with friends
- Thursday: 1 hour barre class
- Friday: 75 mins of restorative yoga
- Saturday: Ran 6 miles
- Sunday: REST
He is right. But I don’t feel right. For more than five years, Saturday’s have always been about double-digit long runs. Exercise has been about training for the next big goal or challenge. Continued growth has fueled me. And I loved it. Sure, I enjoyed breaks and taking it easy and always having fun with it, but it was a challenge to tackle. It was me consistently striving to find and be my best.
And then a wall.
Abrupt. Just like that.
I’ve been running for fun for a long time now. Too long. {Hey, let’s start a family. Oh, this doesn’t just happen like magic. Almost happened. Psych! Still working on it. Ok, keep running easy. Repeat.} And, somewhere along the way, running for fun isn’t all that fun anymore. It’s slow and painful and lacking the same meaning. Six miles often feels as far as I can go. I look at my paces and realize what feels hard used to be my easy or recovery-paced runs. The last run I can recall that felt extraordinary was more than two months ago. I sometimes try to fathom how I ran marathons and half marathons faster than I can muster four miles. I dream of qualifying for Boston again and running my 3:25 goal time (which I will) but have no race on the horizon. No beginning in sight.
I recently told one of the girls I’m coaching to stop comparing herself to the runner she was a year ago and start focusing in on the runner she is now so she can make her way back and exceed her previous expectations. All I could think is that I want to be the runner I was in 2014.
But I am the runner I am today. I am where I am. And that’s ok.
Part of the journey of running is going through our relationship with it. Highs and lows. Ups and downs. Life’s curve balls and requirements for us to step away. We can always come back. It’s there and will be. The best is yet to come. I still believe that. I’ll be back. Until then, this is where I am.
Comments
I swear on a stack of bibles I could say you wrote this about me. I am in the exact same spot in my life. I just did a 15K. April is a 1/2, May is another 15K June is a 10K July is a 5K August is a 10K October is a 1/2 Novembee and December each have a 5K.
I feel into the trap of having to plan out my races and by doing that I took away all the fun. Not only the fun of the run but the fun in my life. I’m always training I’m always looking at what mileage do I HAVE to do instead of what to do. I promised myself and my husband this is my last year 2017 I will run but I am not committing to training, distance or races.
Hi Debbie,
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with finding some of the joy in running. I know it is hard to pull out of a race you signed up for and paid for, but that is always an option if you need time and just want to run because you WANT to run, not because you have to run. That can be a hard choice to make sometimes, but we’ve all been there. Wishing you much joy and happy miles in the coming weeks and months. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story and where YOU are. xoxo
I don’t have advice for you, but I also just went through a time where trying for baby meant maintaining my running rather than training and challenging my body. I did a half marathon a couple weeks ago with just the goal to finish and it did not feel good to see that time on the clock. The only thing that helps me is running with friends, continuing to exercise, and sharing all of this with people who understand. Be patient with yourself. I’m praying for your success in whatever comes next.
Thank you so much Veronica! It sounds like you and I have been on very similar pages. I agree that running with friends and exercising in ways that bring joy keep things fun and meaningful. Hugs to you. xo
I was just thinking that last year I was earning PR’s and this year I am recovering from a January injury. I can’t duplicate what I did last year, but I can enjoy the fact that I am back running. It is hard, especially with social media, but hang in there, you are still a really strong runner and let’s face it, you have other goals now.
YES! Thanks so much for the kind words, encouragement and your own perspective. xoxoxoxoxo
Hi Jes,
I was just given clearance from my PT to run a few weeks ago (from that October injury!) – and I am supposed to follow a run/walk plan. I have spent the last few months itching to get out there again, but now that I’m allowed to I find myself dreading even the idea of running because I am so far from where I was. Similar pacing frustrations – I was on track for close to a 4 hour marathon, but now the idea of keeping that pace for longer than a mile seems impossible. It’s so disheartening, and I, too, am trying really hard not to compare myself to where I was before or where my friends are…..but that is SO HARD. I think I am just in the middle of reevaluating my running “career”, and I don’t know if I will ever get back to what it used to be, and that’s also really hard to come to terms with.
I keep trying to remember what my awesome Physical Therapist advised: to enjoy being able to do it all and be patient with myself and my progress. Not easy, but I’m trying. I’m pretty sure that as soon as I stop putting so much pressure on myself it will get a lot better – maybe the same will happen for you! Hang in there – and keep up the great work!
Hi Mary! I’m thrilled to hear you are healthy! Your PT is SO right, and you will totally get back to where you were. A friend of mine recently shared that when we have a workout that feels daunting, to just focus on getting through it. Rather than worrying about the pace or distance, just get out and do it the best you can that day. Even if you can’t hit the pace, it’s ok. Just focus on finishing. And before you know it, things get easier. Thinking of you and sending you happy running vibes. xoxo
Ive definitely been there! And kind of still am as I try to get motivated post baby. I rarely get a run where I feel good. I’ve probably had less than 5 good runs in the last year! I miss it but know I’ll get it back.
Maybe you can get inspired by yoga or something else? I’ve found taking some of the more advanced yoga classes really gets me excited to get better just like running used to. But it’s only the advanced classes that do that for me because it brings out some competition in me!
Thank you so much for your transparency. I feel like in in exactly the same place! I was recently diagnosed with adult onset asthma, and I have really, really struggled to get back to where I used to be. I had such a strong desire to qualify for Boston (and probably could have), but now, like you, what used to be easy runs are challenging. It’s nice to know that even the mist seasoned runners go through the same thing, and it’s even better to see how they overcome it, as I know you will!
Please excuse the errors. I obviously don’t proofread haha!
Hi Kristi. I’m so sorry to hear you have been struggling with asthma. I had childhood asthma and know how difficult that can be. One of my best running friends has serious asthma and is running Boston next month and is running better than she ever has … so I know that is possible for you too. Just listen to your doctor and start back slow … or find something else that makes you happy if running isn’t it anymore. xoxo
Thank you for this post. I’m at a stale place and feel I have taken 10 steps backwards. My training has derailed, I have aches and pains I have never experienced and I keep backing up. I just completed my 7th Half in NYC a week ago Sunday and don’t feel like “a runner”…. So again I say Thank You for reminding me its “OK” to have a setback.
Hi Terri! Isn’t it amazing how many of us go through this and we don’t even realize it? We are in this together. Hope you find your running mojo again soon without the aches and pains. Thanks for sharing where you are. xo
I’ve been struggling the past few months with my running being well below where I’ve felt like it should be given the level of effort I’ve been putting into it. I really started doubting myself and wondering why I sucked so much.
Then I got a health diagnosis that seems to explain why I’ve been having such a hard time, and now it’s beeping treated. I feel like my old self is coming back.
And I’m wondering why I was so hard on myself, blaming myself for being mentally weak. Why is that my default? Like you, I’d never, ever treat another runner or coaching client with that rough judgment.
I hope you’re able to find a happier place in your running. I totally get what you’re saying. I hope I continue to learn to be kinder to myself too.
Hi Judith. I’m so sorry to hear you were dealing with a health complication. It is great that you’re starting to feel better and back to yourself again. I don’t know why we’re so hard on ourselves. It takes a certain kind of person to train for and compete in endurance races, so perhaps it is simply the competitive fire within us. Thanks for sharing your story and for your kind and encouraging words. xoxo
Isn’t it funny how hard it is to take our own advice?
Running hasn’t been the same for me this year, and just last week I figured out why. When I first started running, I was very unfulfilled at my job and running filled that void I had to strive for greatness and reach high goals and push myself. Now that I really love my new job and have so much to focus on there, running has been needed less. I’m focused on getting ready for my marathon next though 🙂
It’s true you have a goal to start a family, but so much of that is out of your control. Perhaps while you are trying to get your running mojo back you find something else to fill the “set a high goal and work hard to better yourself” void? I don’t have specific ideas, but that may help to have something else to focus on.
As always, thanks for being so honest! *hugs*
Hi Jess! Love your perspective on your own running. So glad you’ve found a job you love and have so many good things going on. Very profound realizations. Life is so full, so I totally get where you are coming from. Thanks for your kind words and support (and ideas). xo
YES to this but Jes it is SO hard to take your own advice. I absolutely feel for you and wish I could give you a hug. It’s hard to be “in the middle” of the suck and feel like you cannot work your way out. Of course you will but running is such a journey and nothing comes easy. Everything that makes running great, also makes it suck when you feel stuck, as you do right now. I kind of have a crazy suggestion – what about getting yourself a coach?? Maybe someone who deals with pre-pregnancy/pregnancy running and you can set a small, attainable goal. I know hiring a coach helped me tremendously and, then you are back to taking the advice from someone other than yourself, which we all know is infinitely easier!!! Whatever you do, keep on keeping on and give yourself a break. You have been though a lot in a short time. Sending so much love to you!!!!
Thank you my friend. As always, I appreciate your support and for always being such a cheerleader. xoxo
Two years ago I ran my half PR and I haven’t even come close to it since. I often wonder if my fast running days are over but really I know they’re not. In that gap I chose to focus on other things – dating my now husband, prioritizing a career transition, and just enjoying life a little bit more without hard training. I like to think there are seasons to life and soon, the sun will rise again on my fast running season. And yours too. <3
Hi Christine! I really, really love your perspective about seasons to life and running. You are absolutely right. It’s so nice to hear from other runners who have been through or who are going through similar situations. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I really appreciate it. Happy running. Here’s to fast seasons ahead. xo
This post really hit home with me. I’ve been a runner 6! years now, and am coming back after a horrific foot injury in 2015. While training for both the Chicago and Richmond marathons, I tore my plantar fascia. Under the tear I have severe nerve damage. After exhausting all options, I had to have surgery Oct. 9 (the same day I would have left for Chicago). Due to where the tear was, my Achilles tendon had to be cut. I was banned from ALL fitness, from June 2015 until I finally got the green light at the end of February 2016. I’ve been out 5 times. My runs range from 1 mile, to 1.50 miles, to finally hitting 2 miles on Sunday. Hitting 2 miles again was a huge accomplishment, but sad at the same time because it is such a struggle. Coming back is definitely way more challenging than I ever thought. My goal for 2016 is to get my base built back up, begin cycling, and maybe add some yoga or Jillian Michaels back in. I’d love to take on Chicago in 2017 as a strong runner (and if I’m really good, get a PR!). 🙂 First time commenting, love your blog. 🙂
Hi Denise! Thank you SO much for sharing your story and for your kind words about the blog. I’m honored to have you as a reader. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through with your injury last year. Just reading your words made me wince in pain. I’m thrilled to hear you are back at it and healthy! One of my best running pals had a severe injury that kept her sidelined for a year. Today, she is running faster than any of us ever imagined possible for ourselves. Another close friend had a baby less than a year ago and I’m certain is going to have a breakthrough race at Boston this year. It seems so hard in the moment. It seems like the hard times and slow times will never be over. But they will. I can’t wait until you write me six to 12 months from now and tell me about your incredible, breakthrough moments in your running. Best of luck as you build back slowly. You’ve got this. xoxoxoxo
I think about this alot! I remember when I was regularly running 3:40-3:50 marathons thinking that I just couldn’t get any faster and it was so frustrating. Then I started dealing with some hip issues and now I can’t even get below 4 hours and I’d kill for those times I didn’t appreciate before! I wonder what it will be like when I’m not training for marathons, when we decide to have kids and how I’ll keep myself motivated to run or do other things. I keep reminding myself that there are cycles all the time and this is just another one. I’ll be back!
You’re exactly right, Sarah! As reader Christine said above, there are cycles and seasons in running and life. Life affects our running and sometimes running affects life, but it is cyclical and we will always find a happy place again, even if it takes longer than anticipated. Thinking of you and sending you happy running vibes. xo
Back when I was in grad school and struggling mightily with my dissertation and trying to balance all of the other things in my life, I often felt like I was failing at everything. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others (or my past self) and begrudging myself for the crummy situations I kept finding myself in. And then a friend posted this on Facebook about something else entirely:
“You just have to play it as it lays.”
I’m not a golfer, but damn if that didn’t resonate. It’s become a total mantra for me whenever I feel unhappy with a situation that I have to go through, whether it’s because I feel unprepared or something seems scary or isn’t enjoyable anymore or whatever. It has definitely helped as I’ve made my way back after having Dash and dealing with an injury. As you say, you are where you are. And that’s ok. All you can do now is play it as it lays and make the most of it. 😉
Thanks for your amazing insights, Kristen. Love that advice and perspective! Let’s play it as it lays! Hope you are doing well. xoxo
So relevant to my current situation. I’ve had these conversations with myself so many times and especially lately (I also had a miscarriage at the end of January) – anyway, I am dusting myself off and trying to keep perspective. I just signed up for a 10k i did last year in 50:03 and won’t be anywhere close to that this year … It’s hard to admit when i am not at my fittest – but this is a lifetime hobby right? It’s allowed to ebb and flow just like life.
For me, I do find I can let myself off the hook most of the time because I have successfully come back from other layoffs – once I sprained my ankle and didn’t run for 5 weeks or so and then went on train for a half ironman and then I had a baby in 2013. I was so pleasantly surprised to find that muscle memory is a real thing and coming back wasn’t so hard I just had to be patient and not rush – the muscles do remember and I got back to it with less time for training but managed a great personal best at the half ironman distance in 2014. There are times to just go with it and check my ego about what I used to do … it’s hard though.
Hi Jen. Thank you so much for opening up about your story. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Mine was at the end of January too. Ebbing and flowing is everything. Just because we’re on a down slope doesn’t mean a chairlift isn’t around the corner to take us to the top of the mountain. I just wish it would hurry up and get here sometimes, right? It’s always a balance. I suppose patience is what saves us in the end. And hope and courage. Thanks again. A big hug to you.
Dear Jesica!
Thank you for sharing this with us.
We all struggle with that “running thing”. Ups and downs. I think that’s normal!
I’ve never seen a runner with other experiences. And: the better you get the harder to improve more!
For me it’s easy to run 1 minute faster on my 10k (<55min). Very hard for my son (<31min!)
Good luck and
let go!
No such thing as only ups in running. You are exactly right Gabrielle. Thanks, as always, for your encouraging words and support. xo
Totally have been going through something similar… I think I’m finally back on track, but honestly, the way I found my love for it again was by backing off and just letting my mind and body do what it wants. I do get mad at myself when things aren’t as easy as they were a year ago, but know that it was necessary to give myself the break. Just give yourself time, it’s hard (I know, like telling you to be patient) and enjoy the fitness that you want. Running will always be there. xoxo
Hi Lora. We are on the same page so often, especially with our running and sometimes how life overlays on top of that. It gives me another reason to wish we lived closer and could share some of that together. Sending you a virtual squeeze. xo
Sending you hugs from Seattle! It is SO challenging to take one’s own advice, I think because we always expect so much of ourselves while giving others the benefit of the doubt. There’s something so powerful and releasing by just living in the moment, even if we’re not where we want to be in that moment. I’m so guilty of not doing this but sometimes we just have to run the mile we are in. And just like running, nowhere to go but forward 🙂 I know you have great things to come for you, both in running and in life/family! xoxo
Hi Jes!
I am right there with you. I’ve been running for 8 years and in January I hit a wall. Two years ago I was running 50+ mile weeks just to stay fit and because I loved to push myself (highest mileage week was 71 miles) and then I had a torn labrum. Too much pushing. I chose PT over surgery (my Dr was thrilled!), but came back and managed to run 35 miles a week last year. This year, I barely hit 20 miles. I’m running treadmill fast (7 min miles), but even then I’m only doing 10ks. The furthest I’ve run in 2016 was 7.5 miles. I won’t even talk about my eating, it’s not great. I know I need to dig deep and just TRY, but I’m so tired (new puppy and probably some bad eating side effects) and lazy!
Can you stop in DC on your way home and come give me a kick in the butt? I need it!
As always, thank you for being so honest and open. I wish you were not going through all of this and that there was some way that I could help. Please know that your words help others!
Hi Leanne. I would love to come hang with you in DC! We could kick each other’s butts. LOL! Let’s choose to take our own advice and try to not be so hard on ourselves. In 2014 I was up to 61 miles as my highest week and felt on top of the world. Sure, my body was also tired, but like you I felt really strong. Strength comes in many forms. Perhaps now being strong is simply not quitting, or helping others or literally getting stronger with more strength training. Let’s find some good in the present, because we can always climb back up to where we want to go. I know you can and you will. Huge hug and high five!
I find it hard to run when I don’t have anything I am working towards, like a race. In the grand scheme of this game of life, having a child is far more rewarding and important than being in the best shape possible. Your time will come when you can get back to that, but, until then, just keep your chin up, enjoy the journey.
Jes, you are such a wonderful woman and I’m so happy that I got to know you while you were in ATL. Just putting the pieces together of what has been happening for you, and I’m so sorry. No one can prepare us for the pain of miscarriage. I hope that you can draw comfort from the people who are showing love and support for you right now. After my first miscarriage, I was astonished how many people came forward to tell me about their own experiences. Suddenly it seemed so much more common than I perceived, and I didn’t feel alone.
It’s easy to think that our lives are compartmentalized into little buckets or pie slices (this is my running bucket, this is my work bucket, my family bucket, my faith bucket…) but I don’t think that’s the case. It’s more like a bunch of overlapping circles. And when we have a tragedy, a crisis, our whole life gets hit, and the mental energy it takes to recover stretches into and affects all the other things we thought were in their nice little bucket.
I’ve prayed for you and will continue to do so.
Hi Katie! Thank you SO SO SO much for your kind and thoughtful words. What you share about the pie of life is so very true. I’m so grateful that our paths crossed and that running connected us in ATL. Please know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness and prayers. xoxo
Love this post. I go through the same highs and lows with running. I just did a magic mile test today, my first one ever, and it was nothing close to my half marathon pace from November 2014. I was so disappointed but like you said it perfectly, you have to compare yourself to who you are today. So my goal is to take that time, build on it with speed work and tempo runs, and work back to that 2014 pace again. That is all we can do. Great post!
Hi Angie! Love your plan! We can always “get back,” it just takes time … more time than most of us want 🙂 I know you have grown in others ways. I can’t run any distance as fast as I was running in November 2014 at the moment, but I know there are some things that are better in life because of the turns that running has taken. Six months from now you may run that magic mile and realize you’ve improved from today. Thinking about you and sending you happy running thoughts. xo
‘The best is yet to come’ and accepting where you are is a powerful message and a metaphor for life itself. It took me 6 years to be at the level I was running before two kids. When other parts of your life become priorities, it’s ok to take a break from running and work your way back towards new goals.
I so appreciate that you broach these topics and in such an authentic way. After coming back to running after taking a year and a half off, it was so demoralizing to be running so much slower than I had been and at much shorter distances. At times it seemed pointless to even try and I was running only once or twice a week. Not sure when it clicked for me again, but at some point it did, and I feel like I’m at the point where my old fitness level is on the horizon. It’s so hard when you are in the midst of it and feeling stuck, but just because you are stuck now doesn’t mean you always will be.
We are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else. I look at your training and see a well-rounded, strong runner. Sending you lots of hugs!
Thank you so much for talking so openly about this. I am in a similar situation. It can feel very disconcerting to feel like part of your identity is missing! After my first miscarriage I really felt like running saved me from myself, but I stopped ovulating in the process. I had another miscarriage in January and this time I’m trying to better balance running and trying to start a family. We recently got some pretty bad news from a fertility specialist, which has resulted in more soul searching! I am so sorry you are going through this. Running is so much more than just running and it’s very hard when the focus has to shift! Sending lots of powerful and positive thoughts your way!!!