“You’ve been quiet, too quiet,” a reader wrote to me this week.

Busted, I thought. I suppose this means I must finally face up to the many thoughts and emotions swirling in my head, including where my current relationship stands with running.

I should forewarn you that this is not meant to be some first-world sob story. It is just real life — my real life at the moment — and I’m putting it out there like always and simultaneously working through it. Buckle up or run for the hills my friends.

I am a firm believer that we really can “have it all.” Family, fun, career, community involvement, fitness, laundry folded and put away. It certainly doesn’t come easy, nor does it come without sacrifices, but I wholeheartedly believe it is possible. However, just like with running, when we do too much at a heightened level for too long, we hit a wall.

And I’ve hit a wall.

Honestly, I’ve been in a funk ever since the Savannah Half Marathon in early April. For three months leading up to the race, I was operating on all cylinders — I started a new job that has brought increased stress, pressure, time and travel. I was training harder and possibly stronger than ever to reclaim my best running self a year after having a baby. And, in between both (and a hundred other things), I’ve tried to be mom, wife, friend and daughter of the year … only getting a gold star on the mom front, I’m afraid (sorry Mr. rUnladylike and everyone else).

Lately, running has become more of a stressor than a stress reliever. The thought of hitting very challenging paces in difficult weather conditions on little sleep and with other demands hanging over my head has left me feeling more anxious than I already am. Lately, running has become something I have to do rather than something I want to do. If I’m truly being honest in this moment, running is breaking me down rather than building me up.

Whew. There it is … from the girl who is supposed to love running and who has — for better or worse — sort of become defined by it.

As I type this confessional (I promise I’m about done with the pity party), I’m somewhere between Tampa and Denver about 30,000 feet in the air. I’m on my way to South Dakota to run a half marathon to celebrate my dear friend Elizabeth who will be completing her incredible journey to run a marathon or half marathon in every state. It has taken her eight years to complete, and after Sunday I will have joined her for three of her 50 states (including the Sedona Half Marathon in Arizona and the Seacoast Half Marathon in New Hampshire). It is running that brought us together as dear friends and running that keeps us connected now living in different states. Despite the ups and downs any of us may have with this sport, there are few things that have enriched my life as deeply as the friendships and experiences I have been blessed with through running.

While I’m excited about the weekend, I’m woefully underprepared to run a race. I’ve been running about two days per week the past few weeks and have abandoned nearly all my speed work (see epic funk above). I decided to do the only logical thing we runners can do — control the controllables. I may be underprepared to run, but I’ll be prepared for race day by following my tried and true nutrition strategies, bringing all my race day essentials and unleashing my super-secret spectator weapon: my mom who is traveling with me to South Dakota

In my carry-on I’ve got all my go-tos:

• My custom rUnladylike Headsweats visor I never run without

• My race day outfit that consists of the Brooks UpRise Crossback sports bra, Brooks pick-up tank (I have five or six of these and I’ll be sporting my newest florescent pink on Sunday), Oiselle Stride shorts (that I think may have just been discontinued … sigh!), Brooks socks and Brooks PureCadence shoes. I received all of my Brooks gear for free from Brooks as one of their Run Happy Ambassadors. They don’t make racing shorts I love so I buy Oiselle brand for those, all pictured below.

• My new Garmin 735XT that Mr. rUnladylike bought me for my birthday in April. This watch is amazing and has changed my life from the heavy dinosaur Garmin I was previously wearing. I’ll write a full review on it soon. I also purchased these screen protectors for $6.99 and they are amazing! You cannot tell there is anything even on your watch face.

• My FlipBelt that lays flat on my shorts (which only have one pocket) to put my phone and gels in. I have never been someone who wants to run with anything around my waist but I promise this thing is amazing. It doesn’t move and allows me to easily carry my phone for listening to music or podcasts. It also has a hook inside I can secure my car key to so it doesn’t inadvertently fall out of my pocket.
• My new Bose SoundSport wireless headphones I recently bought in the airport that have no cords I have to lace through my sports bra and tank.
• My post-race bottoms, including the new Brooks Revival shorts that are beyond comfortable for putting on after the race and buzzing around town in (I literally wash them constantly so I can wear them every other day!) and my SKINS RY400 recovery tights that are supposed to help speed recovery. (I received both items for free, my shorts just last month and my SKINS tights several years ago from these brands.)

While I’ve been distracting myself with all my go-to gear to demonstrate some semblance that I’m not a discombobulated mess, this all naturally begs the question, what’s next for running and me?

Right now, I don’t know. It isn’t something I need or want to solve today. But it is something I am considering. Running has seasons and they change with our life. Right now, I need running to give me something different than what I may have been asking it to do the past few months. Maybe somewhere in South Dakota between the trails and Mt. Rushmore I’ll find all the answers I’m looking for.